Ok. I've taken in so much information over the past few days I hardly know where to start. Lol. But I assume that happens when you throw yourself into a sea of research. Even though it was a literal tyfoon of information, I took in every ounce and I intend to put words into action.
Last night I had a chat with with my partner about what I've been thinking and feeling. I did some mild explaining about what changes I thought that we could have around the house to make us overall happier people and in-turn a happier family. "As a family, we constantly define each other.." - Dr. Baily Becky (
Conscious Discipline). She said she was (and seemed to be) on board with some of the ideas I had but there is still some ... whispers of doubt from my end. I only say that because the type of change I am leaning toward stems from a desire for to change as a person AND parent. Which means I found something wrong with the way we were parenting. I don't think she sees/saw anything wrong with the way we are/were parenting, which may make this a little complicated. But I'm ready for the task! Over the past two days I've continued to try and give her more insight on exactly what I've been feeling. The guilt, the need for change, the urge to reconnect, the desire to spend more time laughing and playing rather than policing and punishing. I can only hope she shares these same desires and understands that the beginning of change has to be us NOT the behavior of our children.
We had a fairly in depth discussion today about how we were raised, things we expect from our children, our eldest son's personality, and much more. My perception was that she sees him as a string of actions, may they be bad or good. We spoke about how he's been raised thus far and how that plays a HUGE role in how he handles things at home and at school. We had different ideas (which is healthy) but we also came to see some things under the same sun (which is beautiful progress). I'll continue to share every drop of information I have to assist us along this journey.
So .. Our mindful parenting moment for today. Lol. Elijah was picked up from the principles office today. Now, here you get a "tell all" moment from me, generally Elijah would be punished if he was picked up from the principles office. Admittedly, we used fear as a way to keep Elijah in line at school. It was all we knew to do. He's so smart and strong willed, fear was all we could think of. So we looked to his fear of a spanking or lose of privileges to make sure he was "minding his manners" in school. Well, as you see, this is/was not always successful. Elijah came home and the first thing out of his mouth was, "Mommy, I had to be picked up at the principles office? Am I going to get a spanking?" Honestly, I felt terrible. But I cannot punish myself for something I didn't know (meaning a better way to handle myself and my son). After chatting with the other half we devised a game plan. We turned off the TV, called him out to the living room, and began our talk.
Me: Elijah, what happened in school today? What kind of things did you have going on?
Our son: Well, I was in the principles office today because I hit Andrew in the face with a block. But it was an accident. ... ... .. .. (he continues his story, he's long winded like his mother.. Lol)
Me: Well tell us what kept happening that got you sent to the principles office?
Our son: I kept talking, then my teacher said that I wasn't a part of her class anymore. And she said I couldn't stay because I didn't know how to keep my hands to myself but I do! Because it was an accident and she doesn't even know.
DING DING DING! Our son is a very emotional boy. He has a hard time getting his words out but loves to express himself and when he can't do it fast enough he gets frustrated and melts down. At this time I thought, "What will I tell him if I punish him for being frustrated at school? What message will I relay?" As we kept talking he did admit to mouthing off a little bit. So how do we bring to attention positive behavior while avoiding direct reaction to his negative behavior?
Me: You're so smart and funny, your teachers know that. People love to be around you. Do you know the best way to make sure people see how amazing you are?
Our son: No.
Me: You have to stay in class. When you get to stay in class with all of your friends don't you have a good time in school?
Our son: Yes.
Me: Do they have games, paint, crayons, or any of that fun stuff in the principles office?
Our son: No!
Me: Then what are we gonna do tomorrow?
Our son: Stay out of the principles office!
It stayed light, it stayed loving, and we were able to put his attention on what he should do rather than berating him and focusing on the mistakes he'd made. Now, my partner and I agreed that there should be a some form of consequence for completely disregarding the rules & talking back to adults. So, he lost his after school snack and movie privilege for the night. To which he was upset and gave us a pouty face as he sulked to his room to play. I chuckled a bit, proud of our progress. Lol.
When I went in to tell him goodnight he told me, "Tomorrow, I'm gonna stay out of the principles office. I wanna play and have fun and get snack." :-) Whether he does it or not is another mountain to climb, but tonight, I'm thankful and excited. We spent a silent mindful minute together, just breathing and sitting close. I explained to him that if he ever feels frustrated, scared, angry, or feels like he's getting upset, that it is always ok to take a minute and sit quietly by yourself.
